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Props:
SETUP: Have the birthday child or guest of honor sit in the chair facing the audience at center-stage. Call on members of the audience to act as players for the skit, although you as narrator speak all the lines. Use different accents and vocal tones. Make balloon props for the characters as you tell the story. Explain to the audience that every time you say "Alas," they are all to make a trumpet-blowing noise. Practice this several times before starting the story.
STORY: Alas! Once upon a time there lived a handsome and daring (or gracious and lovely, etc.) prince who ruled his land over hill and dale with truth, justice, and a just a little bit of a temper tantrum if he did not get his own way. Anyway, kings and kingdoms far and wide would proclaim what a fair and noble leader he was, how wise and smart, and how he always shared his toys and washed his hands before supper and waited at least thirty minutes after eating before jumping in the swimming pool.
Alas! As the handsome and daring prince would sit upon his throne, he would always have somebody feeding him grapes all day long and someone else fanning him to keep him cooled off. And from all over his kingdom people would come before his throne and bow down before him and ask him to decide about something or to judge between two people who had a disagreement.
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One day, as he was seated between his two trumpet blowers, the prince's Sergeant-Of-Arms approached his throne. He was the chief bodyguard and head of security, as well as being really good at checkers. He bowed low to the prince and said, "My lord! Alas! There is before thee, this day, in the day of our lord, (say day), that two of thy servants have angst one with another..." And the wise prince turned to his royal grape-feeder and said, "Uh, what is 'angst?' " And the royal grape feeder said, "I think it's like having an argument, my lord." And the wise and stately prince said, "Oh." So the Sergeant-of-Arms continued, "Thereunto they beseech thee, lord, to hear their cases, and render such wise and insightful judgment as to once again establish thy merciful benevolence throughout the land!" (You have to understand, kids, that they used really big words back then.) So the wise and noble prince stood up and said, "Alas!" Then he sat down and said, "Okay, let's do-eth it."
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So the Sergeant-of-Arms went back out to get the villagers to bring them into the throne room. They came in and knelt down before the prince. The Sergeant-of-Arms said, "Verily then, plead thy case before the great prince, and state well thine story, or face the wrath of my sword on thy backside." He said this so they would not waste time or take all day long. Then he said, "You there, on the right, the one that smells like a goat, you go first."
So the young villager turned to the prince and said, "Alas! My lord, may thy rule be eternally vigilant and may all thy buttons never fall off thy clothes. My lord, your humble servant went to the annual renaissance festival this morning and there I met the nicest man in the whole world, balloon artist Mister Twister, and he madest me a red balloon puppy and I loved it and squeezed it and promised it that we would be friends forever. Well, my lord, I set my puppy down on the picnic table just for a second to buy one of those really big turkey legs and when I turned back around - this other person had taken it! You see, he was also in Mister Twister's line for a balloon in front of me, and he got a red balloon puppy too, but I guess his balloon popped because he took mine! Oh, my lord, please help me!" And the villager began weeping. The Sergeant-of-Arms proclaimed, "Alas!" Then he proclaimed, "Quiet, you!" and gave the villager a tissue.
Then the Sergeant-of-Arms turned to the other villager and said, "And now thine turn to speak, and thou shalt speak justly and don't cry because that was my last tissue!" So the other villager said, "Oh, my lord, may the hooves of a thousand stallions never trample on your amber waves of grain. Alas! Yes, my lord, 'tis true, I, your humble servant, was also at the festival this very morn and likewise received a balloon puppy from the talented, handsome, rich, and humble balloon artist Mister Twister. 'Twas a red puppy also, my lord, for that was the favorite color of my departed grandmother, may she rest in peace. So thou mayest imagine my surprise, my lord, while I was walking, looking down watching where to step because there were a lot of horses around, if you know what I mean, when all of a sudden this other festival-goer tries to take my balloon puppy and says 'twas his! I was morally outraged! His puppy must have blown away or something, but I still had mine! So to be accused of such villainy, and now in the presence of such nobility as thine, 'twas likened unto blasphemy...!" And the Sergeant-of-Arms proclaimed, "Quiet, you!" And everyone became very still and looked over to the prince to deliberate a verdict. That means to make a decision.
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And the wise prince said, "Hmmm..." And everyone in the throne room nodded and agreed with the prince. Then the prince said, "Alas! Bring me the red puppy!" So the Sergeant-of-Arms brought in the red balloon puppy and gave it to the prince, who examined it very carefully. Then he rose from his throne and began to pace around the throne room. He said, "We are indeed in a quandary. On one hand, to reward this commoner who in his own negligence left his balloon puppy unattended for such a time as to open himself up to thievery...or to render ownership to this other ruddy youth who was clearly trying to make a hasty passage through a road-apple minefield. Such is our dilemma..." The prince stopped and said, "Alas!" Then he said, "I have reached a decision!" Everyone in the throne room applauded as the prince sat back down on his royal throne. He handed the red balloon puppy to the Sergeant-of-Arms and said, "Sergeant-of-Arms, I want you to take this balloon puppy...and RIP it in two! Give half of whatever is left to this person and half to that person." Then the prince folded his arms across his chest and waited for his verdict to be carried out. And everyone in the throne room was shocked!
Then one of the villagers said, "What? That's it? You're just going to rip the stupid thing in half and give each of us half of a balloon? But most of it won't have any air left in it after that! Oh, great. Well, I guess that's better than nothing..." But then the other villager shouted, "NO, my lord! Please don't hurt the puppy! He's so cute and pretty and red! Don't rip him in half! Go ahead and just give this other servant ALL of the puppy! I don't care now who gets to keep him, please just don't hurt the puppy!" And he started crying again. And just about when the Sergeant-of-Arms was about to rip the puppy in half, the prince stood up and said, "Wait! Alas!" Then he said, "I have determined who the true owner of the puppy is! That person over there didn't even care if the puppy was ripped in half, but this other youth would rather give up the whole puppy rather than to see it come to any harm. THIS one is the true owner of the red balloon puppy! Give him the puppy straight away!" So the Sergeant-of-Arms gave the villager the red balloon puppy, and he began crying all over again which was causing quite a mess because the tissue he had from before was just really getting soaked with tears and snot.
Then the prince pointed and said, "As for that commoner...Alas!
Sergeant-of-Arms, I want you to beat that vile servant with thine
sword until he develops a latex intolerance!" And the
Sergeant-of-Arms began to beat the villager about the head and shoulders
until he was nothing but a quivering mass of writhing jell-o spread
all over the floor. And everyone congratulated the wise prince for
his sage decision. And throughout the land the tale of the red
balloon puppy became very well known and popular, almost as well
known and popular as the balloon artist Mister Twister himself.
And everyone said...Alas!
