Date: Wed, 12 Jul 2000 10:37:19 -0700 (MST)
From: Edward Kennedy <edjugls@primenet.com>
To: balloon@balloonhq.com
Subject: Handling grief as a balloonist 


Chris expressed:
I hope I never lose my daughter, as I know exactly how that Mom must have
felt
:o(

Chris Harding,
Daley Greetings,
Ontario, Canada.
                                                                   

Chris,
I send this with the kindest intentions.  Having a daughter does not
qualify you to understand what it is like to lose a daughter.  Losing a
mother, father, sister, brother does not in any way qualify a person to
understand what a person feels when they lose a child.  Even losing
a child does not qualify a person to understand exactly how someone else
feels when they have lost a child although it does give them an
understanding of the depths of each other's grief.  You perhaps are
thinking of your daughter and how much you love her and how terrible you
would feel if you lost her.  That is not the same as understanding.  That
is not giving the word GONE a whole new definition in your mind that you
never imagined existed.  Until you do it with a child you don't exactly
understand. I make this clarification to you in the hopes of enlightening
one person to understand that a well intentioned comment like that, made
to a grieving person/parent, can actually do more harm than good.  It
actually belittles their pain for you to think you could understand how
they feel.  
Although the party for the daughter who had died is a little unusual and
we probably won't find ourselves in a situation like that, we do sometimes
have a group of people in our restaurant that have just attended a funeral
or have recently lost a loved one.  It can seem uncomfortable to have
them talking to you, a stranger, about something so personal. If you
approach it respectfully you can instantly no longer be a stranger. Simply
expressing your sorrow at their loss is all you need to do.  They don't
necessarily want you to understand their pain and they certainly are not
interested in a person trying to relate about their own losses even if
they are the similar.  Acknowledge their loss.  If you feel comfortable
and you want to have an amazing affect on their moment ask about the
person who died.  Ask if the loved one had a favorite pet or animal then
tell them that you would like to make one for them in memory of.  Or just
make a flower in memory of.  That's enough.  That's more than enough and
they will thank you and they will perhaps cry and that's a good thing.  
 

Ed Kennedy                            
edjugls@primenet.com                  
A little song,  a little dance, 
a little seltzer in your pants