Date: Thu, 13 Jul 2000 15:26:22 -0700
From: Dennis Dawson <Dennis.Dawson@oracle.com>
To: balloon@balloonhq.com
Subject: Re: Expressing Grief

Ed Kennedy wrote:
> Simply expressing your sorrow at their loss is all you need to do.
> They don't necessarily want you to understand their pain and they
> certainly are not interested in a person trying to relate about their
> own losses even if they are the similar.  Acknowledge their loss.

Absolutely right, and to make it perfectly clear, here's the appropriate
one-liner from the
self-proclaimed king of the one-liner:

"I'm very sorry for your loss."

Don't embellish. Don't try to change it to fit your character. Don't do nothin'
to it. Say it just like
that.

And mean it. It's not hard to feel sorry for someone's loss. Think a minute
before you say it, and it
will come out correctly.

Now, so that there's no confusion, here are the inappropriate one-liners that
you should _never_ use when
someone says "My uncle just died."

"So what?"
"Well, there goes my tip."
"Um, did he leave me anything in the will?"
"Here's my card. I do funerals, too...and wakes!"
"Did I mention that I'm his illegitimate offspring?"
"Whoa - you're bringin' the whole party down, dude."
"I wish I'd known - I would have painted on my sad face."
"I know just how you feel - earlier, I popped a balloon doggy...."
"He's in a better place; except with fewer balloons and stuff...."
"I didn't ask you that - I asked what kind of balloon you want, stupid."
"I already know - someone tried to redeem your uncle for a free balloon, but
he'd expired."
"I know how he feels - I've been dying all night. (Arnkh-arnkh.) Usually I knock
'em
dead! (Arnkh-arnkh)..."
"Here's a lily."
"Here's a wreath."
"Here's a vulture."
"Here are some worms."
"Here's a mourning dove."
"Here's an ant - and look, it's got six feet under!"
"Here's a swan - listen, it's singing your uncle's song...."
"I made your uncle a daisy to push up."
"I made your uncle a frog because I heard he croaked."
"I made your uncle a football because I heard he kicked off."
"I made your uncle a football because I heard he passed away."
"I made your uncle a sailboat because I heard he keeled over."
"I made your uncle a horse because I heard he bought the farm."
"I made your uncle a milkcow because I heard he kicked the bucket."
"I'm just going to keep making things for your uncle until you turn that frown
upside down, ya Gloomy Gus
ya!...Quit yer cryin'!"

And, of course, you shouldn't insert this line between each of the above:
"What? What did I say?"

Remember, those are the ones you _shouldn't_ use. And, most importantly, don't
think of any of these
lines the next time someone mentions a death.

Cap'n Denny (the bound to go down cuz he's already Red Flash)