Date: Thu, 18 May 2000 11:08:20 +0200
From: Jan Lissens W 51737 <lissensj@access.bel.alcatel.be>
To: Balloon Twister`s List <balloon@balloonhq.com>
Subject: Balloon History...The Balloon Singalong

Hi,

This is Jan the Trekkie Twister, and I have just discovered an amazing
piece of balloon history. Faithful readers will recall my ongoing
attempt to decipher the many papers left to me by my Great-Uncle Ludwig
Von Pumpodermundblasen. Many of these were written in code, so
translating them is a painstaking and slow process. Some of you may have
read my revelations about the true balloon origins of The Rocky Horror
Picture Show, the opera `The Pirates of Penzance` and the Who`s rock
opera `Tommy`. None of this startled me as much as what I am about to
reveal....

Way past, in the closing days of the nineteenth  of this century,
balloon twisting was a hidden art, falsely considered by the populace
and the Establishment to be spawn of Beelzebub himself. There was a cult
known as the Entrailer Society (Remember that in those days balloons did
not exist and inflated animal entrails were used. The society is said
still to exist under the name of The Worshippers of Latex). They had
taken it upon themselves to pave the way for Entrail Artisans (now known
as Balloon Twisters) to take over the world. But first, they would have
to make the Practice socially acceptable so their followers could go
forth. Their plan was simple: go to the ones with the most open minds,
the children. This is why balloon  artistry is directed mostly toward
children. Off course, in those days, you couldn`t just go up to them and
hand them balloons. So they prepared the children`s minds with a
singalong song. I have somewhat modernised the text, but it is basically
the orgininal text.

It was a hit. It was a smash. Children all over the world starting
singing it and passing it onto each other. The Powers that Be saw their
hold on the Nations` youth slipping. The kids started wondering about
were to get balloon animals (or Entrail Artistries, as they were called
back then). The Society`s plan had worked... So they thought...The song
was promptly outlawed by the European and US governments. This did not
do to end its influence, at first. The song wouldn`t die. The tune had
caught on. So a huge seminar was organised with the worlds leading
psychologists. They came up with the solution: they changed the lyrics
but not the tune. Kids all over the world were forced to listen to the
new lyrics over and over again until the new lyrics had  blanked out the
original ones. And so the words were lost, and for a little time, the
world was free of balloons, and the Establishment could re-assert its
grip on the minds of their youth, for a while at least. The ideas did
not die, and when latex was used years later to make the first balloons,
the Entrailers saw their goals achieved at last.

The new lyrics were inspired by agricultural life...all references to
balloons were eradicated and instead, the song was now all about a
bucket, which had a hole in it...The names of the main characters, Liza
and Henry, were kept, however. The original text dealt with balloon
twister problems that are strangely enough still encountered today...It
only goes to show...The  more things change, the more they stay the
same...

So here it is, the original text of `There`s a hole in my bucket`. The
tune is the same...Imagine a waltzy background tune...(Hoom Pa Paaa
Hoom Pa Paa...) flowing around you...



`MY BALLOON PUMP HATH BROKEN`

`My balloon pump hath broken, dear Liza, dear Liza,
My balloon pump hath broken, dear Liza. It just will not pump.`

`Then fix it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear henry
Well fix it, dear Henry, Oh, just fix your pump`

`And how should I fix it, dear Liza, dear Liza,
Oh how should I fix it, dear Liza, tell me how...

Tell me, what is the problem, dear Henry, dear Henry,
Tell me what is the problem, what`s wrong with your pump?

I think the valve`s broken, dear Liza, dear Liza,
I think the valve`s broken, the rubber is gone...

Then put in a new one, dear Henry, dear Henry,
Just put in a new one and it`ll pump all right !

So, where do I find one, dear Liza, dear Liza
So where can I find one, `cause I`ve got none with me !

Use a balloon to mcgyver one, dear Henry, dear Henry
Use a balloon to mcgyver one, just use a balloon.

The balloon, `t is too small, dear Liza, dear Liza,
It`s just too damn small, it simply won`t fit.

Then, inflate it a wee bit, dear Henry, dear Henry,
Inflate it a wee bit, so it`s the right size !

And how should I do that, dear Liza, dear Liza,
Oh how should I do that? Can you tell me how?

Use your lungs and your mouth now, dear Henry,
Use your lungs and your mouth now, and just blow it up !

I can`t, I`ve got Asthma, dear Liza, dear Liza,
I can`t, I`ve got Asthma. If I do, I`ll go blue...

Oh, just use a pump then, dear Henry, dear Henry,
Oh just use a pump then, and leave me alone !!!!

My balloon pump hath broken, dear Liza, dear Liza,
My balloon pump has broken. It`s finished ! Kaput !

(all together)

HIS BALLOON PUMP HATH BROKEN, DEAR LIZA, DEAR LIZA,
HIS BALLOON PUMP HATH BROKEN. IT`S FINISHED ! KAPUT!

HIS BALLOON PUMP HATH BROKEN. IT`S FINISHED, DEAR LIZA!
HIS BALLOON PUMP HATH BROKEN. IT`S RUINED. IIIIIIIIT`S GOOOOOOOOOOONNNNE
!!!!!!!!


Thus ends today`s lesson in musical balloon history.

Greetings unto you all !


Jan The Increasingly Historically Inaccurate Trekkie Twister